Haters will see you playing hot potato and say you’re against holding things.

Marriage tip: If your wife says it’s ok for you to go out on a guys night while she stays with the kids, bring back something juicy for her to enjoy and feast on, like gossip.

My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues

Are you guys also getting naked chicks photos as replies on your tweets or am I special?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you’re about to step on a Lego.

Some of the things my 3yo asked while waiting for my 5yo’s music program to start:
- Can we rock out?
- Are you my daddy? (to the man sitting behind his actual dad)
- Is it time to go home now?

Her: You have no sense of direction.

Me: Where did that come from??

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms probably has the best office parties.

It's only a Kraft Single if it's made in the Kraft region of America. Otherwise it's just a cheese slice

My skill set is fine. It’s my will set that’s lacking.

If you have kids, you don’t need to buy a weighted blanket.

The lady at the Burger King drive-thru window asked me if I wanted a crown with my order and I said yes. When she handed it to me, I started to cry.

I’m fine. Why do you ask?

Freaked out over seeing something in my eggs and realized it was my fork.

Took my meds without looking at them to add a little intrigue to the day

The sun is shining today, after days of rainfall, so naturally I'm tearing down the ark I built.

Tried to say I was going to turn off my camera but instead it came out as I’m going to face-mute myself

It's a good thing my social life isn't very active, because having two kids in spring sports and activities right now would end it.

I mentioned 8-tracks on a work call and my coworker told me afterward that he had to look it up to know what I was talking about and someone just wheel me to the nursing home

Do you know what’s so great about Mexican food in Arizona? You can have one favorite restaurant for salsa. Another for burritos. And another for tacos. In every city.

no matter how many examples that my wife keeps pointing out, I refuse to believe my kids get their stubborness from me