I always carry an extra salisbury steak in my back pocket for emergencies

mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be podcasters

sorry officer, jesus took the wheel and he decided to go 60 in a school zone

Any time a child memorizes a bible passage, they should be allowed to have one cigarette

"11 likes isn't much" imagine eleven pipers piping

The shittiest person you know is posting “He is risen” on Instagram today

"Open the fuckin Strait" I whisper to my wife as I snuggle up beside her

Nothing says “He is risen” like cheddar bay biscuits.

after 1987’s Fatal Attraction, no one was fuckin no one outside of marriage for like two years

Just did 4 push-ups Might throw a bus at a bitch later idk

I'd run like Tom Cruise if she needs me

*bouncing behind my wife on a pogo stick* a divorce!?

I’m trying to have a good time despite knowing facts and information

Schwarzenegger is the most famous exterminator.

If they ever make likes public again, we're going to have to change our names and move to a new country

“Tick Tock, Motherfucker!” isn’t as threatening as it used to be.

you just need to let things go your honor

Let's go back to saying what things are.

*during sex Can’t believe I’m missing Matlock for this.

Hearing rumors that LIV Golf may not beheaded in the right direction.