Is emotional support
cheese a thing?

If it isn't
it is now.

I’m “holding my phone in my hand wondering where I left my phone” tired

Back in my day I had to roll down my car windows with my bare hands

I don’t want to work today. I just want to go outside and play with bubbles.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

It was the brat of times, it was the wurst of times

Oh, you don’t let your pets on the furniture? I’d probably let my cat borrow my car if he asked nicely

This newspaper would like to offer our sincerest apologies to Mr. McEldroon, his lovely wife Peggy, and their beautiful children, Michael and Sally. We recently visited them at their home, located at 18 Maplewood Lane, to express our regrets personally.

Already mentally preparing to take my kid to two birthday parties on the same day this weekend

Writing shows used to be so easy. You could just be like “This one is about a house that’s full.”

[Salon]

Receptionist: Is there a specific stylist you want to see?

Me: One that doesn’t talk.

i’ve poorly replaced mariah carey’s microphone with pringles cans: thread

IKEA INTERVIEWER: Welcome. Make a seat.

ME: Lol, you mean take a seat?

INTERVIEWER: *throwing a screwdriver at my head* MAKE A SEAT

We all need at least one friend to whom general rules don’t apply.

WE HAS THE LEARNS

me: oh cool this concert is only $25

ticketmaster: bitch you thought

Adulting means being able to play with your food.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: there was a dog in your dating profile pic why are they not here

I've just ordered a new dustpan and brush from Amazon and I'm so excited, I might just pee myself.

~ life in your 50s

Did you know you can just put cream cheese on toast if you run out of bagels, there is literally no one checking this