My neighbor is leaving in his new Honda.

I guess he left on his own Accord.

Don't eat Domino's after 40. You'll die.

“You know, I could just grab a fish.”
“That's not the point, Gerald.”

This might be the best tweet ever!

Anyone else say goodbye to their bed and tell it you can't wait to see it again?

My daughter is mad at me and just informed me that when she dies her last words will be “my mom is a loser”

AI uses British punctuation?!? This has gone too far. I am not kidding.

When I was younger I wanted to be out in the Sun all day.

Now I'm Dracula.

So, this happened

Am I the only person who can take a bread tie off & not be able to find it literally 3 seconds later?

We started watching 'Oppenheimer' today so I look forward to seeing how it ends in 3 weeks.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I'm loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen 'to get something.'

Do I believe in angels?
I don't know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

It's soul crushing explaining to a younger person 'Betamax' wasn't a vitamin we took in the 80s.

Anyone else say goodbye to their bed and tell it you can't wait to see it again?

I'm about 3 empty ice cube trays away from my wife making me a true crime story.

To all servers,

When you're grating cheese on my plate I'll never say 'when.'

It's up to you to end it and walk away.

Marijuana becomes legal and all of a sudden we can make plants taste like meat?