As I get older, what I consider lunchtime gets earlier and earlier.

Steinbeck: Furious Pears?
Publisher: Meh
Steinbeck: Miffed Mangos?
Publisher: Too Stan Lee
Steinbeck: Irate Tomatoes?
Publisher: Are those even fruit?
Steinbeck: Technically
Publisher: Still no
Steinbeck: The… Grapes of Wrath!
Publisher: …
Steinbeck: …
Publisher: *finger guns*

They should add “hair looked weird” to the list of acceptable tardy excuses for high school girls.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

Of all the animals, frogs are the most interesting of all because every conversation they have is ribbiting.

Life seemed so much simpler when Pluto was still a planet.

Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to rock someone like a wagon wheel.

People on diet aren't mad at you. They're mad at their lunch

Coworker: You wanna go to lunch?
Me: Yeah
Coworker: Okay, we’re leaving in 5 minutes
Me: Oh. Go to lunch with you guys. No

2024

ai that can write entire books-yes

resealable bags of flour-no

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

If this lady says 'awesome opossum' one more time I'm going to lose it.

I told him we have stairs and he said he likes stairs

-my kid, really selling this playdate to his friend

I’m ready to move onto the granny panty phase of my life.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

I’m either too much or not enough or a secret third thing where I’m both at once

People who say 'Go big or go home' severely underestimate my willingness to go home.

I don't like playing music on shuffle. My brain knows which song should be next on the album, and hearing the wrong one doesn't feel right.

a millennial english teacher naming their baby grammarleigh