Me as a kid: I can handle anything that comes my way!

Me as an adult: I hurt myself sneezing and they rearranged my grocery store. I don’t think I can go on.

me: I'm not old

also me: *realizes the number of meteorologists I follow on facebook is not zero*

Please don’t ask me what “my passion” is. I'm an adult. I consider it a win if nothing expensive breaks, I don't find a new bruise, and my favorite dish soap goes on sale.

Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

I threw old kale in my backyard and now the squirrels are riding little Pelotons and requesting coconut water.

Actually, your email does not find me well. My bananas ripened too quickly, the song from the Jardiance commercial is stuck in my head, and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

Nobody:

Me: *angry about a hypothetical situation I made up in my head*

We all need something to look forward to, which is why I order things online.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

I'm not saying that my wife orders a lot from Amazon, I'm just saying that if I got a job as a UPS driver they'd probably let me work from home.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

How I do anything:
3 days to psych myself up to it
30 min to do it
3 days to recover

I’m actually really fun and outgoing when I’ve had nine hours of sleep, four meals, two snacks, tea, and am not required to wear real pants or have more than five minutes of social interaction.

Pulling my phone up off the floor by the phone charger is the closest I’ll ever come to fishing.

Nobody warned me that so much time as an adult would be spent being mad at loud noises.

[First sunset]
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER:
HIM: Is that… you think that’s a problem?

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

I feel like whoever named them Red Delicious apples has never actually eaten a delicious apple.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

I get annoyed when it takes longer than five seconds for a website to load on my phone like I didn't grow up dropping a roll of film off at the store and waiting five days to get pictures back.