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social media has turned really dumb people into confident dumb people.

Um yeah hi, quick question, how is it already the end of June

I'm for strangers with benefits

I find beauty in weirdness.

Ever wonder who in your life has fantasised most about your imminent and brutal death?

Shh, if you listen closely, you can hear my racing thoughts.

i knew i wasn’t gods favorite when he made me allergic to cats

It's amazing what you can learn about someone just by burning their house down.

Almost the time of year when losing a finger to a chainsaw is considered the boring way

If I tell you “no worries,” chances are I am secretly planning your demise

If you try hard enough you can out-underperform them all

Wow, raining on a Saturday? So original. Groundbreaking. Truly never been done before.

son: do they make a little boy catapult, like a catapult that's so big a little boy can climb into the bucket and someone can fire it and it will shoot the little boy far away, like reeeeaaallly far??? me: no son: how do you know? me: believe me, I've looked

the elderberry is the wisest and most knowledgeable of all the berries

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws

Wаnna start tweeting аt businesses pretending they wronged me and see if they give me free stuff

The world is my oyster. Mars is my jellyfish. Neptune is my octopus.

someday somebody is gonna shout "there goes john jacob jingleheimer schmidt" and it'll be the last thing they do cuz that dude has got to be ready to snap

These Tweets are fine. Weekly quip poll is posted here ericzorn.substack.com/i/166855085/th… and includes finalists include Melvin of York S̲uper H̲uman A̲utomated Y̲odeler Just Bill Kristen Boost turnout by retweeting!