'I have $73 in my bank account!' sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

There's nothing I love to be asked more when i've lost something than 'where did you last see it?'

My only goal in life is to be someone that would impress Shania Twain much

*death metal voice*
i love puppies

chris’ dad whenever chris wakes up before noon

german porn is just so weird

this is like the time i got a new label maker

From Lucille’s perspective, it probably was a fine time to leave. I mean who wants to deal with hungry kids and crops in the field.

Happy 4/20! Don’t forget to shove weed up your ass

me: gets something in eye

brain: stick your finger in there too

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

coworker: don’t worry about it
me: (anxiety cured)

Mercury must be in astroglide again

If you shout 'HOT MAGMA ERUPTING' while you're in the office bathroom, they'll let you sit in there for hours!
Even if you are just watching volcano videos.

WIFE: I told you to call a plumber.

ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.

Hot coffee: Perfect! Iced coffee: Delicious! Room-temperature coffee: The most disgusting liquid on earth.

There should be a bajillion spinoffs for The Princess Bride like there are for Star Wars

A Pop-Tart is a Hot Pocket that decided to become a stripper to help pay for college.

STROKI

If you choke on your spit in a dream, you die in real life.