HER: NNNNNNNN ME: [gently rolling her onto her side] HER: ZZZZZZZZ

Doctor: Your wife has a sexually transmitted parasite that steals calcium from her bones, increases her risk of death from a stroke, and causes hemorrhoids, bleeding gums and constipation Husband: OMG Doctor: Congratulations, it’s a boy

Q is too high up in the alphabet. I respect it but it has no place between P and R. Should be at the end with the weirdo/goth letters

If you fart and burp at the same time, you take a screenshot of your insides.

dr: this medicine should halt your hallucinations christopher robin: ok *swallows pills* eeyore: THanᵏ ʸᵒ

Nowadays seems like people just say meth, but we used to call it crystal meth. I think that’s better. If I were in charge of meth I would really get back into the crystal angle and get moms into it. But to answer your question, I accept the position of godfather to young Phillip

Austin Powers: (realizing there is a hell and it's the toil of everyday life) wait a tick

whenever i feel stressed and anxious i just sit down for about 20 minutes and breathe calmly. it does not help at all

Homeowner's association is mad about the garden gnome smoking a cigarette in my front yard. Cmon, I can't control that dude

Took a Xanax before my Spirit flight to relax but just found it’s my turn to fly the plane. Wish me luck

I suppose you don't want me to eat more than 600 hotdogs per day either

next week we’re all gonna get CDs in the mail with 1,000 free tweet views on them

Teacher: What’s 3x7 Me: 🙋 Teacher: Answer or bathroom? Me: bafroom… *retrieving my mom’s iPad from where I stashed it in the bathroom ceiling, FaceTiming my dad* Dad: I’ve got a good feeling about this one Me: free times seben Dad: Shit I don’t know that one either buddy

women need to accept the mystery

stick on the ground: he doesn’t see me. he doesn’t see me. please don’t see me my drunk ass: yooooo check out this stick

Fresh Lettuce Shenanigans You know we’ve been talking about this tweet for YEARS but we really do love it. Jeff just asked our cat if he likes eggs.