fuck my life. just found out my ai girlfriend just cheated on me with microsoft word

got fired as an air marshal because i kept showing everyone my gun immediately upon boarding the flight

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

started posting shit like “working hard is so fun” on my linkedin and my boss keeps asking me to hang out

[staring through the crack in the bathroom stall] hey whats up man do you want to hang out with me later [trying to open the door] do you vape

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

[coach pulling me aside at basketball tryouts] look im sorry but you’re just not round enough to be a basketball

[standing in line] you here for the cashier

[centipede walks in]

shoe salesman: oh fuck yes

(trying to leave the apartment in a point and click game)
I can't go out now. My opps are waiting.
I can't leave while those busters are waiting outside for me.
My opps are right outside... better stay in for now.

getting into a brutal wreck on the highway at 70 mph that kills me instantly and when the cops check my phone this is the first thing they see

these 3 tweets from yab have lived in my brain since 2018. idk which one is my favorite

my bad

what the fuck

i would pat yoda on the head and say good dog

basketball heads be like this is the #6 ranked 3-year-old in the country [video of a toddler euro stepping]

[crash landing on degobah and i see yoda] yo r2d2. what kinda… what kinda fuckin dog is that