Only god can leave me a Yelp review.

Sorry I’m late, TurboTax had 4,351,226 more questions that didn’t apply to me.

You wanna hear a good advice? Yeah, me too.

take a left to see ash cave or go right for scenes from your afterlife projected onto a waterfall

People on diet aren't mad at you. They're mad at their lunch

people will adopt another cat instead of going to therapy

people like me

Did not expect to spend my sexual prime shaving pilly sweaters

when you find you, come back to me.

*drunkest I’ve ever been*

I need to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Grateful for cute boys, steeped tea, and chocolate chip cookies this morning.

While you’re up, can you get me a glass of juice and a sledgehammer?

You're almost as useful as a leaf blower on a windy day

Me: Rock me

Amadeus: what

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

My physical body will die but it will never run out of sighs.

Yeah I ball hard, excuse me no, I mean I bawl hard.

OJ is dead he’s satans problem now

I think it's high time all bags were resealable. We have the technology.

I hope the woman in the public bathroom who groaned and said “yeah..that was it” continues to have the best day ever