Come let me pour you a bourbon and tell me about your day while I unzip your pants

damn

With Cedric Mullins' walk-off home run, the Orioles have hit 3+ home runs in 5 straight games for the first time since August 6-10, 1996.

They are one game shy of tying the club record of 6 straight games with 3+ homers from May 8-13, 1987.

Delivery for the splash zone 📦

There is something very arousing about the crack of a bat resulting in a home run

Just like that.

The secret to a happy life is being too stupid to realise how fucked up everything is.

Some of you are weird.

NO ONE IN BASEBALL IS HITTING THE BALL HARDER THAN GUNNAR HENDERSON.

No one:

Me at a strip club: Her hair is all wrong for that outfit.

allergies are gonna kill me. men, I get it now... I'm sorry for all the times I made fun of your man colds.

1000? Hey now 😏

Dream.

i wanna eat a pile of egg noodles off your tits

Every girl has that one song that makes them involuntarily run to the dance floor and dance like a ho.

If I ever actually work up the nerve to flirt with anyone irl I will most certainly have a booger hanging out of my nose I'll discover later that no one told me about

i believe in ugh at first sight.

Gonna text him “Good morning, princess” to establish dominance

8 for me

Today is brought to you by: watching your kid become a person you admire