Monday coffee should be covered by Medicare

Me:…awkward chitchat, we look in the mirror together, I pay you— Stylist: I meant what are we doing today with your hair?

All better.

My kids are like “skip the pasta and just give us breadsticks,” and I think I can get behind this initiative.

The biggest lie that the Devil ever convinced us of was that the "Don't show me this again" checkbox actually worked.

a quiet local coffee shop on a Friday morning with an Americano and laptop pretending to work is all the feels today.

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

The teacher pushing in the tv on the wheels for a movie day would fix me

[slowly stirs his coffee with a twizzler and stares at you suspiciously]

I've been nominated for the Worst Mother of the Year award by my children for making them clean up the messes they made.

Falling in love with your soulmate is amazing but have you ever had jury duty and during the selection process been excused because legal counsel didn't like the honesty of your answers to their questions?

One person in a marriage gets to the airport extra early and the other person gets into the shower two hours before his flight is supposed to leave and gives the first person anxiety

me: I’d like the goth water please barista:

Décor is French for useless shit the dog knocks off the coffee table.

[going out] other moms: have fun, be safe! my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

new password must contain one uppercase letter, one lowercase letter, eye of newt, a phoenix feather, one special character and the root of a hemlock

Someone told me I needed to add a little excitement to my life, so I bought a new flavoured cream for my coffee, let me tell you, I’m turning this muthafuckin party out

7: Wanna play Guess Who? Me: Sure. Guess who needs coffee before we play board games at 7 am?

The Mondayest Friday is still 1000x better than the Fridayest Monday.