My kid got to meet his teacher for next year and told me she was pretty old...she's 6 years older than me

Teenagers are mutant when speaking, ninja when you need the trash taken out, and turtles when they're late for school

I called Zeus a Roman God, but don’t worry, my kids corrected me lightning bolt fast.

My husband was today years old when I told him the correct way to wish someone well on a journey is 'Godspeed' and not 'Godsbee', which is what he said to the bug he caught in the house and released outside.

My teen played No Scrubs and said “aren’t you glad I’m listening to your music?”

Just let loose a giggle as grunting gym guy caught himself in a wiggle to Sia. Guess I love cheap thrills too.

me: can't I get just more affordable health insurance?

corporate: best we can do is have you watch healthy cooking videos and we'll give you points for discounts next year.

me: why not just give me th-

Corporate: also get 20k steps a day and you'll get 10 pts a day!

Sorry I was late. I was trying to get a sock out of my fitted sheet

Adulting is turning on a movie so you can have a nice nap on the couch.

My kid wanted to know what it's like being a mom. I told him to pretend his room was the house and to clean it. While he cleaned, I made messes, ate snacks while dropping crumbs all over, put half-filled cups everywhere, and asked if I could play video games every few seconds.

it wasn’t until martin looked in the mirror that he realized he’d forgotten to take his medication

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

The rule is when you get ahead in anything you get lazy and then fall behind. Making it entirely pointless to get ahead in the first place.

To figure out how many kids someone has, count the number of child-sized toothbrushes in their bathroom and divide by three

3 emojis: wow you must really mean it

4 emojis: easy psychopath

Nobody:
Absolutely Nobody:
Crickets: Oh yeah, baby.

Quitting my job to focus on managing my all of my streaming subscriptions

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later

1994 was fifty years ago. Do you feel old now?

My biggest regret in all that time? Being horrible at math.

No one:

My conspiracy theorist 6yo at bedtime: 1800 doesn't exist, people say it does, but they mean 18,000