After adding salt and pepper to my shopping cart, I grip the handle and resume my trip down the aisle. “Push it,” I tell myself. “Push it real good.”

I narrate everything I'm doing throughout the day to my cat, just so she can chime in if she wants to. She thinks I'm a little quirky, but what does she know, she sleeps in grocery bags.

My 6yo learned a new word today. And that word is pregnant. And I know this because he apparently told multiple people I was pregnant.

There are people who think the sell by date means the item is still good after that date, and there are people who think it means you have to throw it away that day, and they marry each other and fight about it constantly.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Today was an important meeting and I was gonna wear the dress that I had saved for such an occasion. So of course I finally ended up wearing what I wear almost every other day.

Does anyone else not believe the weather anymore? It’s cloudy, but, as the weather app says it’s not going to rain, I’m going to put the washing out. Ohh.. but it looks rainy. Waits 5 mins to see if it rains or not. It doesn’t so put it out. The app said it wouldn’t. * RAINS *

Them: Name something you'd like to try in the bedroom Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

To cheer everyone up

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

When I say "I'll call you later", I really mean any time in the next 7 to 10 years.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

A bearded man carries a huge clear bag of what looks likes hay, whilst a tiny white poodle trots along by his side.

I’ve never snuggled up to someone under a blanket in the middle of the night without the sole purpose of stealing it.

*making polite small talk with someone* my brain: tell them one of ur secrets

I’m in a bad mood and watching my husband load the dishwasher incorrectly. What could go wrong

It’s Friday night, get yourself to bed before your other half so you can make sure that you’re taking up just a bit more room than you should and be too fast asleep to move over. You deserve it.