Suuuure when the dentist asked my son if he flosses regularly all of my lessons of honesty stick but when I ask what that thud was when he was supposed to be sleeping it’s all “I don’t know”

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

If my cat had twitter they would cyber bully me

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Get yourself a girl who prioritizes. My wife left her inhaler at home to make room in her purse for the m&ms we wanted to smuggle into the movie

Me: doc, I’m getting sicker

Dr. Mario: just keep organizing pills

They should make a website that is enjoyable and good

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.

I have a coworker who keeps cans of pop in her desk drawer and drinks them room temp. Tepid diet Dr. Pepper. Every day. Haunting. Concerning. Perhaps indicative of criminal behavior.

I don't like who I am when I eat a mango.

Typing “general bad vibes” into WebMD.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

I can tell how emotionally available a guy is by how badly I want to date them

When you’re too lazy to check the spice cupboard before ordering groceries

can’t. just learned about this panda that grimaces when she breaks bamboo because she had no panda teachers and noticed humans making that face every time they broke some bamboo for her.

Maury: you are... NOT the father

Forrest: *sadly* Jennay

Clear my throat?
You mean make a noise?
And have people LOOK at me?

Nah I'll just silently choke it's cool