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me, laying on the couch toddler: dad, I didn't go peepee anywhere. I want you to know I didn't. me, getting off the couch

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can't use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

me: no, you can't have waffles for dinner toddler: then I'll never be your friend! me: don't be rude to me toddler: then I'll never be your friend PLEASE!

After five minutes of crying and whining because she didn't want to wear the outfit I dressed her in, my 2 year old caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror as she stormed by, stopped mid-scream, and casually said, "Oh, I DO like this. Cute!"

There are 2 types of kids: Kid 1 wants you to do everything for them no matter how easily they could do it on their own. Kid 2 wants to do everything on their own and will undo whatever you just did so they can redo it themselves. I have one of each. I also have a beer fridge.

As we walked to the beach on our vacation, a random dad approached me with a boogie board. He was leaving today & just as he had been given the board by another dad on his way out he was giving it to me. He asked only that I keep the tradition alive when I leave. Surf’s up, dads.

Some parents bubble wrap their kids to protect them from every danger in the world. Not me. I do it because I'm exploring shipping options.

Buying my nephews the 200 pack of crayons made me a hero. Asking them which color was their favorite flavor made me a legend.

I do 50 to 60 job interviews in here everyday I never hire anyone But about half the applicants buy a drink from the vending machine after I subtly encourage them to I make $300 a day in passive income with this method

sorry for what i said when i urgently needed the bathroom

You know the massage is over the second your spouse starts doing the little karate chops.

My wife did all of the driving on our road trip, but she did it from the passenger seat.

Parenting is a full-time job, and taking a family vacation is just working remotely.

Happy 4th of July to all Americans, and happy Independence Day to those without kids.

Honestly? Sometimes it feels like my kids don’t even care if I ever find out who murdered this innocent family of four back in 1983.

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can't read the sign yet, but they can't read it either. For the next several minutes you're engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

wife: and this is me with the kids in Hawaii...their father isn't in the picture friend: that must be so tough on you me: to be clear, I took that photo

me: did you do a good job brushing? son: yes, smell my breath me: no thank you

“Interesting choice” “Not what I expected you to do…” “Hmmm…” “More on that to come…” “You sure about that?” “Let’s see how that one works out…” Shit my son mumbles ‘to himself’ while we play chess.

“Remember, this is just a friendly game, so let’s stay classy in victory,” I said as my son and his cousin began a game of chess. “No problem, Uncle,” my 19 year old nephew replied. “I appreciate it,” I said, “but I wasn’t talking to you.”