When you tell your husband not to buy any ice cream, and then he actually shows up with no ice cream.

I’m not sure what sleep is anymore but I think it's that thing you’re doing in bed before you get up to pee in the middle of the night.

My mom asked me to teach her how to use her new printer/scanner so I guess this is goodbye.

I picked up a toddler running towards danger at the airport, realized how weird that might seem, and shouted back to the mom who had her hands full, “I PROMISE IM NOT WEIRD IM A PEDIATRICIAN IM SORRY.”

I can handle the champagne all by myself thank you very much.

My wife pretends to be bad with numbers and asks me to do the math for all transactions so I can feel like I serve some purpose in this relationship.
Well, that and driving…and grilling…
oh, and opening champagne bottles.

My husband & I finally got away for a weekend & he tweaked his back. I had to help him out of bed this morning like he was an 85 year old man.

Yes, this is exactly what I had envisioned.

The only part of this tweet that’s true is I saw Ed Sheeran at the hotel gym today.

Wife and I jogging on treadmills at the hotel gym:
Wife, “I’m so excited about seeing Ed Sheeran tonight.”
Me, motioning with my head towards the hip, red-headed, tattooed guy running on the treadmill next to her, “Or maybe sooner?”
(Wife falls off treadmill).

Best medication for depression is Money

When I was a kid, I used to wonder why my granddad would just sit in his favorite chair and not do anything but stare in space but now I totally get it

I suggested to my wife that it seemed pointless to continually fill the bird feeder, as the squirrels always empty it in hours. Behind me, my son said, “It’s in your interest for the squirrels to be on your side when the Great War begins,” and ate another spoonful of Froot Loops.

My husband was consulted on a divorce case by a client who had been served papers from me. Once husband realized the conflict he explained he couldn’t help him. The client said, “Well, who can?” And my husband correctly said, “No one.”

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: one cookie instead of two

Forgot my glasses so I'm pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Afterschool Specials led me to believe I would be offered more free drugs.

Did you know you can just put cream cheese on toast if you run out of bagels, there is literally no one checking this

I don’t care how many degrees you have, nothing prepares you for a child who can’t find their other shoe.

My 8 year old asked if I’d seen his water bottle and I said it was next to the couch. He started to walk off then paused and asked, “the couch for sitting or the couch for laundry?” and the accuracy of the question stung a little.

me when someone convinces me to wear something that isn't black