Always remember nobody cares and you'll have the secret to life.

Apparently my wife is home.

Honesty is a very misused word nowadays.

I'll see your mental and raise your breakdown.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it's right there

Some people you just know belong in your life. Simple as that

Good luck to all of you who are pooping right now.

Don't join the Mile High Club

Your opinion sucke here take mine.

How old does someone have to be before you can officially call them a fucking asshole? Please say 6

Regardless of what you believe, being inclusive is merely demonstrating basic decency to human beings.

Back in the day carrying a briefcase meant you were an executive or that you rented a VCR.

I’m mature enough to know that I have faults too.

Just kidding, no I don’t.

Sex is great but how do you feel about good weather

Everyone is happy on my boat

*Wholesome Tweet*

Social media is intellectual suicide!

I know this sounds crazy but you can in fact smoke weed without telling everyone on the internet about it

I'm getting a pretty good contact high from the internet