My dog just got home from doggy daycare and you’ve never seen a sleepier pup trying to hang in there lol

just found a black pair of boxers in my laundry, which means I have no choice but to play out the weirdest Cinderella story ever in my apartment building

Am I petty?

In 2019 someone commented “not funny” under my tweet

I’ve catfished him for 5 years. Made him fall in love with me

He’s meeting me at a restaurant for the first time tonight (I won’t be there)

The waiter will give him a note that’s just my tweet he commented on

we felt Zoe Levert's mesmerizing cover of 'Iris' by Goo Goo Dolls in our SOULS 💖 #TheVoice

Have you ever had a near death experience?

Me:

the way I believe my therapist and I would be friends under different circumstances is probably how men feel when they think their hooters waitress is into them

Nothing more pathetic than failed actors and comedians embracing MAGA and becoming increasingly more vile by the day in an attempt to stay relevant simply because they were never talented to begin with.

Missing this face tonight. 🥺

Paul Sewald stan account My back story is scoliosis, what’s yours

I've been laughing at this for 10 minutes. A comment said, 'I've never seen a gator skedaddle before.' 😆😆

There's someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I've taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else's

what's it called when you get performance anxiety but the performance is just leaving your house

the late 1900's. jfc

crunchyrugger Today’s Pearls could not be more on point.

“is this a joke to you” unfortunately everything is a little bit of a joke to me

one of the most difficult things in life is finding that person you can't live without... and then having to live without them.

Sex? In this economy?

Does your car have a name?

We're still driving our 2011 Volvo XC70. Her name is Mulva.

Iykyk.

Sublime and No Doubt are touring, there are OJ jokes on Weekend Update, everyone is loving Conan. Kids, this is what 1995 was like.

Now WAIT A DAMN MINUTE Jack Reacher