your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren't working for me

it’s not a situationship i’m doing an unpaid internship in his heart

I’m an empath and I can tell that all of them are in excruciating pain constantly. They live their lives in pain

in a toxic situationship with god (he loves me, i only hit him up when i really need something)

jimmy carter if ur gonna stick around make your ass useful let us test MAKEUP on u

i know time isn't real because the minute after i send an emotionally vulnerable text actually lasts 10 minutes

this is who you’re asking to work 40 hours a week btw

Seconds after the card game rules are explained

It looks like they're rebooting Seinfeld

not now sweetie, mommy is lusting after someone unattainable

murders shouldn't just be for crows. idk how to explain but when me and my friends hang out that's a murder

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that's brutal, hang in there

when we were little i told my brother there was one book in every library that would cause the whole building to explode if you took it off the shelf. it was a different book in every library, so reading could KILL. if any republican governor wants that idea