People dropping car selfies are really flexin’ on city folks

A 'break from reality' is probably less relaxing than it sounds

A mental break sounds way nicer than it is.

A distraught factory worker enters his boss’ office. “I messed up real bad, boss.” He says. “What happened?” his boss asks nervously. “This batch is all berries.”

A smile forms on his boss, Cap’n Crunch’s, face. “You son of a bitch, you’re gettin a raise.”

so wait, isn't Jojo Siwa the anime about the buff guys that are always striking poses?

[creating silent film] I shall call it 𝐸𝑦𝑒𝑠 𝑊𝑖𝑑𝑒 𝑆ℎ𝑢𝑡 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐻𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝑈𝑝

who called it deconstructing your faith and not being dishonorably discharged from the lord’s army

can't wait to see who'll die today!

Are they called deviled eggs because how they make you fart?

when you click “our team” on a megachurch website

when my boss is on pto i am also on pto

I wish there was a Shazam for bird calls

An “All Hands” meeting implies that there are partial or no hands meetings.

Nothing prepares you for becoming the mom at school drop off who yells 'don't blow away!' at little kids on a windy day

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

Just gonna recite Big Thief lyrics and see how long it takes my therapist to notice.

My inner circle just includes me and all the voices in my head.