The boriqua anthem is the hispanic bohemian rhapsody

Sorry but You look like the kind of person who jogs for fun and I just don't need that in my life

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Twin Peaks isn’t odd or scary. Washington is just like that.

As an adult, I like to keep people guessing by being unexpectedly helpless in very common situations.

Me: *chooses her

Her: *chooses bear

Bear: *chooses me

Yeah, well, at some point it's NOT gonna be May *oils chainsaw

Alumni associations are going to have to write some REALLY creative letters requesting money next year.

If you ever wonder if I’m like my mom, she got excited & just texted me 10 pictures of a beautiful moth that she saw on her porch screen (so that would be yes.)

she glows in the dark

Wanna come inside? I’ll fix you a glass of Tang.

I dont wanna hope for the best, i wanna hope for what i want

Yes, but blue jays have evolved to live with hate and anger. You, however, are human, and are cruising for a lot of blood pressure medicine.

Your house is very clean. Between you and me, I think it's hiding something.

Invest in yourself, you're at an all-time low.

I can’t believe how hard it still is to find universal truth or a good phone charger.

100% production, 0% consumption

I wish my name was Dale. People would say 'Hey Dale, shut the fuck up.'

'I've experienced trauma myself so I know what you're going through.'

Me trying to be empathetic but thinking about the time I had to eat a sandwich with two bread heels