A guy called me old fashioned, to which I replied “you sir are a blunderbuss chatterbox; a chicken hearted, mop stick. A duke of limbs. A foppish fussbudgety gadabout. A ginger-snap grumbletonian. A nincompoopy scallywag stingbum.” And he will have to live with that abashment.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

If you're looking for Trouble, you came to the right place..

* dusts off board game

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: ...
Me: Aren't you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

In hindsight, “I’ll mop the floor with you” was not the best way to offer housework help to Mike Tyson.

do i need to go to costco or am i just bored and want free samples

People who don’t drink coffee are so fucking proud of themselves

My workout goals are simple: I'd just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

I’m proud of you for drinking water. Was it as awful as you remember?

On college campuses in Scotland, guys play Haggis-sack

I’m way too excited about the new Mrs. Meyers spring soaps 🌷

Week three on antidepressants: sooo you mean to tell me all of you assholes have been out here operating with a brain full of serotonin all of this time??? Unfair!

Bad enough the cat climbs into the litter box while I'm scooping it but does he have to stare me down while he does

*if I worked in an office*

Me: Working too hard or hardly too working?

Even the apocalypse gave up on this shit show

Thank you, people who donate to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. Not only do you help children, but you ensure that though I’ve never donated there, St. Jude’s continues to send me those cute little free pads of paper twice a year.

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I've taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

A genuine connection is never forced.

A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.

Your superpower isn't your smile; it's that you aren't dead yet.