my car is fucked

me: oh cool this concert is only $25

ticketmaster: bitch you thought

razzle AND dazzle? in this economy??

how i let my waiter know i haven’t left room for dessert

Already mentally preparing to take my kid to two birthday parties on the same day this weekend

Hi. I finish grad school today. I hope I’m a smarty pants now.

Oh, you don’t let your pets on the furniture? I’d probably let my cat borrow my car if he asked nicely

At the zoo w/ tired legs and not one mfer has offered me a piggyback ride…Being an adult is a complete carnival of crap.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
- they're cutest when they're asleep
- they will absolutely destroy your sofa
- they both eat out of the cat's bowl

Cheer up buddy at least you tried

- me to my therapist

I don’t want to work today. I just want to go outside and play with bubbles.

[Salon]

Receptionist: Is there a specific stylist you want to see?

Me: One that doesn’t talk.

I wonder if the CIA will still recruit me even though I accidentally scare myself with my car alarm on the reg.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

“Five minutes, Mom. We’re playing pirates.”

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where's the fun in that?

If porn is supposed to be fantasy how come none of them are doing it in a racecar bed

do y’all ever look at your parents and wonder how you made it out alive

Natasha Lyonne is just... free to walk around? She is responsible for creating approximately 84% of bisexual humans and they just let her 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥