BALLS MEET EGGPLANT

No no, I’m a man from the future, not a man with a future

Trying to get the CEOs of Pizza Hut and Sunglass Hut on the phone. I have an idea.

ME: what kind of shoes are you wearing

HER: converse

ME: *rolls eyes* we already are, susan

AirBnBs are like “what if hotels also came with errands”

i’m always scared that ashton kutcher is going to jump out of nowhere and “you just got punked” me and i don’t know why.

I think I’ve passed the age of beret confidence.

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair. I want to say “It’s my emotional support wheelchair.”

“Do one thing every day that scares you”

Me: Ok. [answers door]

You’re 45, maybe it’s time to stop fighting with people on Twitter.

Scientists discover that they can create a clone just from the DNA in a subject's saliva. The copy turns out as the original's spitting image.

'It's better to give than to receive.'

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband's wallet

Do one thing every day that scares the family living in the house your disembodied spirit haunts.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

If you love somebody set them free.
If they don't return well then maybe that was dumb of you.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

probably should have asked for the BERRIES loaf

If I say I’m going for a run, I mean a run to the liquor store