I recommend being wrong once in a while. It's very good for the worst parts of your ego

Every once in a while the supermarket reorganizes where items are located in the store because I guess we don't have enough inconveniences in life.

I first learned the "bend and snap" on Legally Blonde. But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way...

My birthstone is a chunk of sharp cheddar cheese

Reoccurring dreams be like 'I dunno, here's a rerun'

I'm just whatthefucking my way through this life one day at a time

Super annoying how my therapist points out true and accurate observations about my behavior

30’s: can’t see far away anymore 40’s: can’t see up close either time: laughs

when a toddler tells a story

Last year, as a symbol of their commitment to gun extremism, some Republican members of Congress proudly wore these lapel pins shaped like an AR-15, the same weapon a 14 year old just used to kill two students and two teachers in a Georgia high school.

ALL ARE WELCOME. -me talking about potatoes

the seventh grader in me wants to high five whoever did this

I snorted. 😂

just arby’s bein’ a bro

me: I’d like the goth water please barista:

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

It's like my mom always said, what the fuck is wrong with you