Morning Twitter feels like being at a bar before it opens.

* goes to the gym * lays on the mat to stretch * falls asleep

I don’t like the person I become when the grocery store moves the aisles around.

“You can’t smell a picture.” The picture:

sorry i’m cranky. i haven’t slept well for the last 27 years

Not to brag but I was alive when hanging up on people wasn’t just fun, it was an art form.

You were the one.

Garlic bread should be free for anybody having a bad day.

One thing I love about this place is the way our community rallies around one another when it counts. Please consider donating, and please rt and share!!! Lets get Jenny and the Bets to her goal 🙏 gofund.me/e2966934

I like being alone. I guess I’m weird.

Hahaha, funny tweets babe, now let's take you to therapy.

Who you are when your phone battery is below 10% is the real you.

Seat selectors for flights should show you where all the kids and babies are located.

Welcome to Twitter: let me be the first to apologize for all of us.

I’m up before 5am again for a week straight so I guess I’m this person now.

You wouldn't survive an 80s playground.