I plan to celebrate Earth Day in a way that congratulates me, a splendid mammal.

christian bale: i am batman

christian braille: ⠊ ⠁⠍ ⠃⠁⠞⠍⠁⠝

[uses a chopstick as a little bat when the hibachi chef tosses a shrimp my way]

i smell a pulitzer

[at 3 AM]

NASA: [finally falls alseep]

Voyager 1: [texting] wyd

A random kid just knocked on my door because - he said and I quote “I smelled cake”. And I get him.

I only call people I don't like.

Two lions are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, “this man probably had a family.”

Predator: [clocking in] good morning Ralph

Alien: [clocking in] good morning Sam

*Wholesome Tweet*

Taking another work trip. Food wise, I'm 'on my own'. The only way I can describe it would be as if your dog had unfettered access to treats.

It’s Earth Day so I’m continuing my decades long tradition of watching FernGully on LaserDisc while weeping softly into locally sourced hemp handkerchiefs. #EarthDay2024

An unknown issue with the fiber optic cable has WiFi, phone, and TV out. I would rather have eight days without bread than eight hours without connection to the world.

[Restaurant]

Waitress: *automated recording voice*

Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed.

a guy who peddles Campbell’s products named Soupy Sales somebody write that down