me when i realize i still got it

Me: *being lowered into grave*

My kids: Can you take us to McDonald’s?

Acceptable reasons to stop a movie:

1. The house is on fire.

2. To google what else that guy is in.

I was going to make an En Vogue joke, but you’re never gonna get it.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”

Mount Fuji as seen from Space

“what’s your sign?”

I’m too old for this shit.

reminder

ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN????

Do people who run marathons realise they don’t have to?

Me being escorted out the bar by the bouncers after getting too drunk

I don't dress for women. I don't dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

Lionel Richie is easy like Sunday morning. I’m anxiety-filled like Sunday night.

8 years ago today, we lost Prince.
I'm not saying the world has gone to shit since he died, but, *gestures at everything*

I’m sitting in a London pub wearing running gear and a tinfoil cape while strangers buy me beer. Works every year. 😉🍻

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Bursting bubble wrap until morale improves.