The Polyphonic Spree (c. 2003)

The only OJ that matters is the glass of OJ that Shelby drank when she had low blood sugar.

I once had a crush on a girl named Glenda. The 80s were fucking wild

so, this guy who spoon fed me applesauce while dressed like a sexy baby turned out to be a real creep, you guys.

me eating a handful of cereal as a late night snack like

Here's 10+ minutes of Norm Macdonald shitting on OJ Simpson

Sorry I’m late I had to drive to the reservoir to fill my daughter’s Stanley cup.

Me: Rock me

Amadeus: what

the good news: I’m down to one can of Diet Coke a day!

the bad news: I drink 47 ounces of coffee each morning

devastatingly sincere message from my mother this morning

Thinking I might get a little wild and crazy and change my work email font

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Rohan Bro your beard is amazing, it hides your dumb face

No one thinks it'll happen to them before they drop their phone in the toilet

This dude asked me out on a first date and suggested we could get together for a drink at 11pm after his hockey game but also wants me to believe he’s not a hook up guy

This is why women are choosing to live with cats, fellas

Termite: *chokes on the splinters*

American Standard's company BBQs are never well attended.

Nobody:

White girls with an iced coffee:

The decision made by the Arizona Supreme Court today is unconscionable and an affront to freedom.

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no