Alexa mute the world

'Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour Godzilla?'

Performing Julia Stiles audition dance from Save the Last Dance in court.

#WoodyWednesday

You can add this one to your collection TODAY!
Pull the trigger before someone else beats ya to it!

Sorry I’m late. I had to untie myself from the bed

They should sell white clothes with plastic wearable covers.

Watchmakers tend to have a lot of time on their hands.

Maybe you should make like a tree and give, homie.

If I ever get married, I'm absolutely going to say my vows like the dude from the B-52s.

i'm gonna join the cicadas this summer and scream

Not today.. 😅

I wish I could quit my job and being able to pursue my true passion: staying at home watching Netflix, playing with my dog and arguing with people online.

Oh, you don’t let your pets on the furniture? I’d probably let my cat borrow my car if he asked nicely

In my defense, she didn't make a smiley face on my pancakes.

verily, ‘tis hammer time

No one:

Me: 'The word 'Militia' just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.'

Who the delivery drivers see when you open up the door to them is the real you

When she tells me her mother is staying with us for a week.

Texting my boss Are you mad at me