The dude in me really wants a robot lawnmower but the dad in me ain't about to give up that responsibility.

My kid just asked if 24 years ago we called the year two thousand or twenty-zero-zero and I've never felt so old

Okay. I’ve filled the sink with mayo. Now what?

The urge to make a wish when I see 11:11 on a digital clock is still strong.

I’m a dad.
We DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WALK QUIETER

If you tell yourself, “there’s a 100% chance I’ll be in pain the next day if I exercise but only a 50% chance I’ll be in pain if I nap on the couch,” you can justify your napping habit.

Sure we’d like to think we can perform the emergency exit row duties but until the plane’s on fire and panic sets in, who really knows?

Just told our 10yr old to shut her car window and she said mummy, I can’t. It’s not the old days.

I’d just like to be rich enough to be considered eccentric instead of unstable.

I’m so tired my coffee just yawned.

Asked my MIL how she plans on dealing with the garage full of junk she has accrued over the years and she flat out said…“I’m hoping I just die and then it’s someone else’s problem.”

I’ve never disliked an answer more

what i say: i’m sitting on the couch a sec

what i mean: i’m falling asleep on the couch

My kid went to two birthday parties today and still had the audacity to ask for ice cream in between

The heat level on salsa jars is as arbitrary as whether or not Han shot first.

Undercover clowns could be everywhere we don’t know

Shy Alanis Morissette has both hands in her pockets.

It’s good to be out working on the garden (lounging around, looking at parasols on Amazon).

I've decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it's finally time, now that I'm 84 months postpartum.

Over time their friendship developed into love. And over more time developed into a Dateline episode.

Made a cooked breakfast this morning. My daughter didn’t eat her mushrooms and my husband didn’t eat his eggs. But that’s ok.

In related news there’s an opening for one daughter who likes mushrooms and another for one husband who likes eggs.