Meeting my favorite DJ and telling him his set saved my life

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

If my entire night’s sleep was as good as that first 9 minutes after I hit snooze I would be a completely different person.

To settle the debate whether it’s more considerate to leave the seat up or down, whoever’s had their bottom submerged in bowl water in the middle of the night gets the deciding vote.

“I’m in a live game” - kids trying to get out of anything

Remember lunch HOUR??? Now it’s just shoveling a granola bar down our gullets and checking ourselves on camera to see if we got all the crumbs.

My toxic trait is when friends say "let's do this again soon" and I can't say "I don't want to do that" so I end up saying "Sure!" and then I decline their invitations.

“And what did you bring home this week?” - Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

There was an Aussie had a dog And Dingo was his name-o.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but yes, you are parked too far from the curb

If a picture paints a thousand words I sure would love to hear what my senior photo had to say.

Miss 11 wants to know what if there is a hole in the earth and you get sucked out into space?

My 7yo: When were you born? Me: 1977. *7yo gives me an incredulous look* Me: Geez, 1977 wasn't that long ago. 7yo: Oh, I thought you said 1777, and I wondered how you were still alive.

I told my cardiologist I was fine, but it was a fib.

Every 6th tweet on my TL is an Ad for a Paris Hilton CD as if I haven’t already suffered enough

If by spiral you mean an overpriced 5-subject college ruled notebook, hells yes I can still throw a spiral.

me: I'm not old the random pics of the floor I accidentally took on my phone:

Sorry I'm late but I had to check all the closets and under all the beds for ghosts.

Apple keeps improving cameras on their phones, like they assume I have friends to take pictures with