Accidentally changed the water temp on my washer to cool and all my tshirts came out as Jean jackets

Joke's on you. I'm Generation X. If people don't insult me at least daily, I slowly morph back into an old pair of corduroy pants.

I just threw a hip out listening to Bust A Move, so yeah... you could say I'm old.

If porn is supposed to be fantasy how come none of them are doing it in a racecar bed

Crossing my DNA with a cicada so I only have to see people every 17 years.

think im the only one in this urology center with penguins on my socks

Sane people don’t want to be rich, they want to be free

I bet big bird’s cloaca is the size of my fist.

Performing Julia Stiles audition dance from Save the Last Dance in court.

I think I need to date a mom because things were way easier when someone saw me fucking up and started counting to 3

Yeah, well, I’m kind of like the bad boy of the HR department.

Was Jeffrey Dahmer's mother Jeffrey's Mahmer?

And......send.

[Salon]

Receptionist: Is there a specific stylist you want to see?

Me: One that doesn’t talk.

My wife: I cant believe you tried to start a fight club.

Me: WE ARENT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT IT

My wife: Oh right theres nothing to talk about just you and your cousin Cliff giving each other pro wrestling chops..

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING THEY WILL HEAR YOU

I handle the whole 'catching up on email' after time off by just reporting everything as phishing.

thinking about getting mad about something

Congratulations to all new circus performers and workers, this is a big day for you and I hope you enjoy it. Welcome to the life, you fuckin weirdos

20-something me would be so crushed by how rarely used those beer pong skills would be in my career.

Yes officer, I do have a weapon in the vehicle, a Taco Bell sour cream gun, and IT IS loaded.

Everybody claims violence is bad but nobody does anything about the true source: jazz flute.