Starting a Christian rock band called Altar Noise. Still looking for a theremin player and six drummers. DMs open.

My wife got this me.

I’ve never met a windshield wiper speed that understands me.

I've never met anyone who's lost at Russian Roulette.

Just stick the q-tip in your ear. God has abandoned us.

Relationships: the only place where asking 'What's for dinner?' can turn into a debate worthy of a presidential election!

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

Started thinking about grilled cheese sandwiches that have more than one kind of cheese in them and now I’m too excited to sleep.

If they hate chocolate can you even trust them?

In my defense, they embarrassed me in the comic book store.

Just spent the past 10 minutes combining my beard while drinking coffee like some kind of aristocrat.

'Want to see who you know on X?'

No! bitch I'm here to keep away from all of them.

No no babe, don't touch the Precious Moments figurines.

Can you ever fault a person for trying too hard?

We should also have background checks on all t-shirt cannon purchases.

Doorbell: rings

Me: dammit, now I have to put on some pants!

Twitter is a journey, not a destination.

I have never met a ferret owner that isn't creepy as fuck.

I think it's beautiful the way you sparkle when you talk about coffee.

The cashier missed a sensor on a dress I bought and I don’t have time to go back to the store before I leave the state, but that’s okay, it made a good present for my niece (after she gets the sensor removed) and maybe I’ll get to borrow it the next time I visit.