If I say “you too” to the McDonalds chick when she tells me “enjoy your meal” I always shove a few fries in her mouth so it’s not that awkward

Visiting my mom and I mentioned going to the Casino, and she's like a dog putting the leash on itself, and running out the door

I kicked toxic family members out of my life, but you blocking me, yeah no, I'm heartbroken.

Rough weekend of playing outside and doing whatever I want all the time

i catch myself explaining myself to myself so much that it's getting weird

Someone said Twitter was a “perversion of reality”, I’d say that’s pretty bulletproof.

Some days you feel like you’re surrounded by morons. Other days you realize it’s not just some days

big fan of anything that shuts my brain off for a little while

The universe is talking to you sounds more threatening than motivational.

I'm bored. I'm about to make that everyone else's problem.

When packing for vacation remember it really doesn't matter

I'm sure it's healthy that Parks and Recreation frequently gets me teary

ending a day laughing and beginning a day laughing is the most beautiful thing

I don't get nearly enough credit for the things I think but don't say out loud.

Orange you glad that's not a banana

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity brings.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to stay out of my own way. I’m just gonna start avoiding myself entirely.

Looks like the key to a great night's sleep is the middle of this movie

Sorry I zoned out while you were talking to me. I was seriously wondering who ties your shoes in the morning.....

Life is better when you're laughing . . . at the people who try to bring you down.