I have many different layers. I’m basically a lasagna.

Me: it's important to be kind especially when you don't feel like it

Also me: WHY ARE YOU STOPPING IN THE MERGE LANE FUCKFACE

Not all heroes wear capes and not all who wear capes are heroes. For example Dracula is kind of an asshole

Short sticks made from a densely rolled paper material? Those are for suckers!

What kind of career path are you seeking?

Me: A sociopath.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

NO my kids aren't having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We're having leftover pizza.

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

'Hello? My eyes are up here.'

Welcome to your 40s. You now own a travel-size Voltaren.

Like a fallen ice cube kicked under the refrigerator, these are the days of our lives.

Buying clothes in my 20s: I can go out to the club in this

Buying clothes in my 40s: I can walk the dog in this

if your dog is anywhere on your dating profile then i fully expect said dog to accompany us on our first date.

My 6-year-old just asked, “What if there was a hotdog with a head and arms and legs, BUT IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A DOG?”

Little dude thinks he invented wiener dogs.

Before Apple, 'igloos' were just 'gloos'.

I assume the crackle the vacuum makes after running over my kids’ snack crumbs gives the same high as hard drugs.

*Slices up lemons right in front of life*

Adding insult to (literal) injury is having to press the “I fell, but I’m OK” button on my Apple Watch so it wouldn’t send an ambulance to my location.

My brain: (warm and cozy in bed) long day, can’t wait to drift off to sleep.

My bladder: you’re not going to believe this