No, I don't have a thigh gap. My thighs are in love and like to be near each other.

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

I find it interesting that something called ‘intermittent fasting’ makes me feel ‘intermittently slow.’

Telling her all my fucking romance poetry was about hockey was a fucking mistake...I know this now

Some days should start with a 30 second trailer so I can see what I’m getting myself into

he clipped her wings
and she found her feet

<—-marked safe from the giant leaf my dog thought was attacking me*

*blew against my leg

Forgot the name for love triangle and called it a hook-up pyramid

Prince of Wales:
- where is that?
- kinda boring
- sounds excessively formal

Prince of Whales:
- badass
- you now have an army of giant sea creatures at your disposal
- All hail King Moby Dick

If the airplane crashes just remember that thing I always told you

Went w/ the hummingbird stamps so my love letters to handsome arrive very fast.

I like to think I'm badass and then I remember how I cry every time Lightning McQueen pushes The King across the finish line in the first Cars movie and I remember that no I'm fucking not.

You, dumb: Rednecks lol.

Me, sophisticated: Rural denizens indeed.

The only things I’d like to change about Monday is that mums should have the day off and we call it Mumday.

It's all fun and games until the goat gets in the house as the family dog

Some days you need someone to tell you it will all be okay

This wedding is soo preachy I'm ready to be crucified to end it

they should invent a rest for the wicked

Never underestimate the value of friendship… true friends make the world beautiful 🤍

You think you're scared of being alone in the dark when you're actually scared of NOT being alone in the dark.