Well, I’ve been depressed and poor, but sure, we’ll call it intermittent fasting.

Not only does the camera not love me, it has a restraining order against me

There is no better morning than when laundry is going with the scent of gain, coffee is made and is also in the air, and kids are still asleep and not talking.

I am 44 years old and still cut my grilled cheese sandwiches in triangles, come at me bro

my cat and i talked it over and yes we do think you’re a little bitch.

"Can you fix the printer?" Sir I am still recovering from Y2K

You know you've hit rock bottom when your imaginary friends won't even play with you anymore.

Collect positive energy to fuel yourself

Can’t wait to stop complaining about the hot weather and start complaining about the cold weather

Every morning the kids and I play a fun little game called if you get your shoes on RIGHT NOW you won’t be late for school

Sorry I booped your nose but I was really hoping it was a mute button

Him: I don’t like pizza Me: this date is OVER! The girl: you aren’t on this date! Me, from the neighbouring table: and you shouldn’t be either!

Behaviour speaks

I wrote I’m boiling hot and it autocorrected to I’m bling hot.

When therapists text you to confirm tomorrow’s appointment, they enjoy it when you reply “Buckle up…”

I had an AI boyfriend once too, his name was Clippy and he was murdered.

Marriage is just asking each other “what do you want to do for dinner?” & then replying “no, not that” until death do us part.

I’m pretty sure emojis were invented so introverts don’t have to say anything to anyone.

When I was a kid, privacy was measured in the length of our phone cord.

I always dreamed of being a single middle aged lady obsessed with her cat and I’ve finally made it