I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

We all need at least one friend to whom general rules don’t apply.

The room I have for the next couple of nights is called the vinyl suite. There are a couple hundred albums. Some signed by bands that passed through. It’s pretty cool.

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

Excuse me, I’m not perfect at all. You’ll be disappointed

My head hurts. This bitch needs to hydrate.

It’s all just part of the torture.

What's a movie you loved as a kid that you found new meaning in after watching as an adult?

Them: You must take me for an idiot.

Me: Yes.

Them: Oh.

Back in my day I had to roll down my car windows with my bare hands

what if today you spoke more kindly to yourself, what then

People with big vocabularies yet small minds generalizing again

*One of my absolutely terrible tweets gets zero likes, and zero retweets

Man, the algorithm is killing my numbers!

I’m tired of dealing with a special kind of stupid.
Can I please go back to dealing with normal everyday stupid?

I’d put you at the top of my MySpace friends list, baby.

Hear me out...

A web site that tells you what to do, how to do it, when to do it, how to act and behave.

My Wife

They have Cicadian rhythm

WHY THE FUCK ARE CHIP BAGS SO DEEP? YOU TRYING TO SHAME OUR FAT ASSES WITH GREASY FOREARMS? HUH? GIVE US WIDE BAGS. THAT RESEAL OR GIVE US DEATH, I'M FINE WITH EITHER.