I’m like a sexy hamburger helper cause I like to mix it up.

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

Interviewer: Can you give me a recent example of when you faced a difficult task that you worked through?

Me: Recent?

I: Yes, within the last six months.

Me: *knowing the most recent one is I had to saw off a toilet seat to put the new on one* Sigh.

So great when the sheriff's van comes down our street having prisoners clean up trash but there's one prisoner in the van just staring at my house the entire time. So comforting. Gives me the warm fuzzy feelings.

There's a special place in hell for people who fill their dirty dishes with water and leave them in the sink.

Did you know you can just put cream cheese on toast if you run out of bagels, there is literally no one checking this

Might start replying to every email with 'You do you, Boo.'

After age 30 do we keep all clothes in case they fit again forever? Asking for a friend.

Welcome to your 40s. You have to blow your nose every morning now or you can't breathe correctly.

Parenting experts never warn you that one day you'll offer to let your son borrow one of your ties to match the suit he's wearing for prom and he'll respond by asking you if you have anything that's not from the 1900s

I don’t know if I should be happy that my husband has already purchased something for Mother’s Day, or angry because I haven’t yet

In case you wondered if having a 'rival dad next door' is a real thing - I mowed yesterday and half way thru, rival dad next door started mowing. That bastard literally mowed 2 days ago. So yes. It's real.

My 10 y/o son has a lot of friends who show up on our doorstep but by far my most fave lil dude has got to be the one who always appears holdin a fistful of ham

I asked my 6yo if she wants to skip school on her birthday and she's having a hard time deciding because she doesn't want to miss out on the birthday sticker they get from their teacher.

An adult is a person who thinks everything was 10 years ago.

My 8 year old asked if I’d seen his water bottle and I said it was next to the couch. He started to walk off then paused and asked, “the couch for sitting or the couch for laundry?” and the accuracy of the question stung a little.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Welcome to your 40s. Having to pee at 4am means you’re now awake for the day at 4am.

I think maybe I could fit comfortably in a potato bin

I hate when I eat the last m&m in the bag without realising. Like, I needed to mentally prepare myself for that moment