I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Dumpster fires are actually quite manageable.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

[Angriest I've ever been in my life]: sure, that works!

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

how about you love yourself first

This is awkward, the Ring Pop isn't for you.

I would wear makeup and nicer clothes, but that might make me appear more approachable and that’s a risk that I just can’t take.

being consumed by sadness for no good reason, hits different

what if's and should've been's plagued her weary heart

music of the night

I feel like half the women who are single right now are wife material, but no one their age knows how to handle such a great package.

Just saw someone abbreviate “something” as “smth” and part of my soul died.

Our night walks with the dog, the stars and no phones 👌🏼

Be my lucky penny, I'll be your four leaf clover

Suzanne watched the school bus pull away with a mix of apprehension and relief. It had been a long summer, a very long summer.

WIFE: Hurry up or we'll get caught in the rain. ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.