Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

Jesus Christ

Ever forget how to spell your own last name or should I be concerned?

You can say 'please' and 'thank you' a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say 'ass-faced mother fucker' ONCE...

Me. Flirting.

Being awake everyday seems excessive

Im struggling. Is it very obvious?

*overhears someone talking shit about me*

oh, I couldn’t agree more.

I'm in no way shape or form

I'm all nervous, no system.

(me with my alien) this is a chilis margarita you drink it

You guys think that the moon big egg?

date: so… you just adopted 3 chipmunks as your children?

dave seville: no, no that’d be crazy. I’m also their band manager

me hoping my coworker says greek so I can say more like geek: what’s your favourite type of food?
coworker: italian
me: you’re a motherfucker

saying uppies to the paramedics and firefighters pulling me out my car in a ditch

I could never be a movie critic because almost every time I see a movie I’m like “yeah that was fun” and it’s usually because I got popcorn and a big soda

You know what? Maybe today, Satan

I’m doing my best