Of course I'd rather be in the woods with a bear instead of a man because bears are cute and fluffy and men lie.

The name Ron is short for Wrong

If it can’t be fixed with melted cheese it can’t be fixed. Sorry.

I am Sears years old

Taking a few days to myself to reevaluate my favorite type of cheese

Nothing causes my rage to rise up within quite like a serving of peanut butter only being 2 tablespoons.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister's birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

A Pavlovian response to the rattle of the Ibuprofen bottle.

[First date]

Me: I'm gonna need to hear how you think the word 'loser' is spelled.

Called in, 'The toe seam on one of my socks is crooked and I can't work like this.'

Remember when we used to print out 4 pages from Mapquest and travel like pirates?

Why do I check my voicemail?...1% to hear the message....99% To get rid of that annoying icon

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: still calling it Twitter.

*pours milk over bowl of ibuprofen for breakfast*

If you’re happy and you know it poop your pants.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it's right there

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

Can I call in pants too tight and go home if I am already at work

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

*crashes through the door completely out of breath* DOLPHINS- KEYBOARD- W AND R *dies*