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[After sex] Me: Did you cum? Her, looking away longingly and recalling a distant memory: Once.

Jelly in the streets. Jammin' in the sheets.

Where the hell are all the scissors?! - a parenting memoir

Welcome to your 40s, that mosquito you just saw is actually an eye floater.

She’s not much of a therapist. She doesn’t even know the name for the fear of meeting a mind reading nun.

Unless your Twitter beef is medium rare with chimichurri sauce, then I ain’t interested in it.

Fire-breathing polar bears are the number one cause of death in Canada.

Saw the devil at the crossroads. He gave me the roundabout.

[when I remove my video doorbell to charge it]] MURDERER: *rubs hands together maniacally*

If you listened to Episode 1, you might already know the answer to this. 👀 What seven novels did Stephen King write in the 70's, and which one was first? doofmedia.com/kingslingers2/ #stephenking #stephenkingpodcast #doofmedia #stephenkingnerd #stephenkingbook #theshining

I've been exercising all day...one long plank in my bed.

I put the turd in turducken

Listen Twitter, after several times it’s not an “unexpected error” okay?

Imagine if penises curled up like a cinnamon roll when they weren't erect

I keep wanting to use Twitter more, like I used to. Then I log in and just want more eyeball bleach

I miss Happy Fun Ball

• SHORT TWEETS TWEET CALL • Send us tweets that are 10 WORDS OR LESS! Likes, Retweets, etc. Winners will be 🏆’d later. Ends at 6PM EST. ✨ Judges and tweets below: Jodi Stands with Tweet ☮️ KJ Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 nice things I say to myself Jin .:RiotGrlErin:. name cannot be blank

What's it called when you want to simultaneously want to hug someone and slice them into tiny pieces to feed to the neighbourhood strays?

Chairs are pretty great. You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.