My girlfriend said i couldnt eat this entire jar of chocolate covered raisins but i bet she feels pretty stupid now

Them: we’re gonna duel at high noon

[later, at high noon]

Them: [squinting] this was a mistake

Today’s cardio was trying to wave down the server for another drink before happy hour ends

Not enough rap songs about Costco hotdogs.

Asked my MIL how she plans on dealing with the garage full of junk she has accrued over the years and she flat out said…“I’m hoping I just die and then it’s someone else’s problem.”

I’ve never disliked an answer more

Undercover clowns could be everywhere we don’t know

My couch and I got engaged last night. It was really romantic.

Can you tell which one of my chins is the original?

~flirting is easy

accidentally bought the wrong scent of deodorant and I don't even know who I am

#NewProfilePic

Twitter day 1: I don’t get how people get addicted to this place.

Twitter day 1,825: uh oh.

I always texted a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and said ~ 'I haven't given up on us.'

Social media is fucking boring now, I say, as I scroll fucking boring social media now.

Mom’s out of town and Dad’s in charge, day two.

You can call them 'friendly' reminders all you want but we both know they are 100% hostile

The biggest lie 90s dudes told was that there was something in that wallet that made it worth chaining up

A dry wedding is just like a regular wedding but with no reason to be there

When you grow up with a monster in your life, you don’t recognize that not everyone has a monster.

Who called it 'online shopping while sitting on the toilet'
And not 'buyarrhea'

I hope the South will be ok with me asking for everything grilled and if my meal comes with avocado.