I'm just saying life is better when you fully utilize all the lemons life has to offer.

'I really like listening to books on tape while I drive'

My coworker who just realized I'm old: 'You mean audiobooks'

My grass might not be greener, but my flowers are prettier.

I'm 'don't flash your headlights at someone who doesn't have theirs on bc they will come and kill you' years old.

I'll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

We all need something to look forward to, which is why I order things online.

swm seeking relationship that can be maintained strictly via text except for occasional in-person sex. no weirdos

It’s not a tweet, it’s a post. Like some kinda paper you nail to a tree.

I worked out and drank water today. Is this what health feels like?

There’s mad and then there’s Dad mad.

I wasted my midlife crisis on a sweater vest.

I miss $20 concert tickets and $10 band tees.

Due to circumstances entirely within my control my summer body will still be fat

I cannot believe I am still not born into extreme wealth & privilege.

At this point in my life if the apocalypse started I would probably be like ‘whatever’

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I'm also losing my eyesight, so it's not my problem

I can only afford tickets to Assistant Coachella

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

Everybody else is an idiot
- idiots