Undercover clowns could be everywhere we don’t know

“First, I’d like to say how excited we both are to be here with you this morning.”

“i was a less tired person when i made them” is a valid excuse for canceling plans

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

*steps off scale*

I paired Funyons and rum and then marked 'When the downward spiral began' on my calendar

My sweetness brings the mosquitoes to the yard.
And they’re like, blood better than yours.
Damn right it’s better than yours
You’re a vampire? Then I have to charge.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: some snails have 15k teeth

Stroking is very good or very bad based on context.

Bye, see you all on Monday, I tell my 47 work tabs

What my fridge sees at 3am when I'm getting a handful of shredded cheese from the bag.

Called in, 'What's cute as a button and not coming in today?'

It’s not the blood and amphibian parts that turn me off magic potions; it’s the never being allowed to improvise.

Found a YouTube channel that's just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

APRIL FOOLS!

I shout as I take off my push-up bra.

The only difference between hotdogs and smokies is that hotdogs like to show off, especially when they’re surfing.

It’s true, look it up.

what if all the spiders you've swallowed in your sleep have built a thriving community in your esophagus

quackpack

“Who’s at the door?”
“Bee.”
“Fine, who be at the door?”

Spock waited, knowing it was a complete waste of time trying to get them to leave before “More Than a Feeling” was over.