I tried shutting up but it didn't last long.

I will add insult to injury and slap your ass afterwards.

Why do mornings have to be so early.

I cannot stress this enough, I will never have the urge to use a hotel's complimentary gym when I'm on vacation.

Him: What's wrong with you?
Me: Now or in general?

I miss when fast food was actually good and affordable.

Sorry I’m late. I stopped to smell the flowers.

I say 'what the fuck?' so often that I just shortened it to 'the fuck?'

It’s the simplicity in our lives, that is the most difficult to retain.

Best medication for depression is Money

Twitter: Because people need to have their flaws pointed out by people with even bigger flaws.

Just got called into work for a night shift in exchange for Friday off. Score.

You know you're drunk when you have a text conversation with yourself.

Minding your own damn business can add years to your life.

Twitter is the only place where people post pics for attention then get mad when they get attention.

I'm mad at my husband. I don't know for what but I'll think of something.

My sign language comes to life when I drive.

Love that feeling when the silence finally sets in.

I'm awake so fucking hard it pisses me off.

Take a deep breath. That's it, that's all I've got. Exhale if you want, I don't care.