For spirit week, my kids are going as 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘥 and 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.

Me: I have 4 kids. A 24-year-old living at home, two in college, and I'm about to teach our youngest how to drive.

Doctor:

Me:

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

I’m having a rough Friday morning, mainly because it’s Wednesday.

One of my coworkers has been curating a collection of my work profile pictures over the years, although he still needs my latest one with my stress pig.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

I Love You But Go Away

- a book on parenting

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son's car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

Lindy loves her yogurt and I love doing this.

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

My boys are back from college and it's nice to have no food or hot water in the house and a clogged toilet at least once daily.

God: [flooding the earth again] I SAID NO PICKLEBALL

my kid: *won't eat cheese*

also my kid: *currently eating chips he dipped in a melted watermelon popsicle*

“You’re not entirely wrong.”

- Me refusing to admit my husband was right

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

Roaring Kitty is also my wife's nickname on our kid-free weekends.

I'm wearing shorts for the first time this year in case you hear reports of a five-foot-tall albino chicken roaming the streets of a small New England town.

My poison ivy seems to be getting worse but on the bright side I'm old and should be dead soon.

What the “For Better or for Worse” part of your vows really means.

muddyum.net/beyond-the-fai…

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can't shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

This Monday feels like it was served with an extra side of Monday.